


chercher la petite bête

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [5]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Brotherly Angst, Diego Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, Diego Hargreeves-centric, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Good Sibling Vanya Hargreeves, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jealousy, Miscommunication, Number Five Is Bad At Feelings, Number Five | The Boy-centric, POV Alternating, POV Diego Hargreeves, POV Number Five | The Boy, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:35:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28159869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: “I do care. I do.”“S-sure.” Diego bit his lip. “Sure, y-you... do.”“I did everything I could!” Five insisted. “I did the impossible, because I needed you to be alive. All of you-”“Alive. Right.” Diego wasn’t looking at him. He directed his gaze at the ceiling, lip trembling. “We’re alive all-alright. I guess that’s all that matters.”“Isn’t it?”“Sure,” Diego spat. “That’s all that matters.”___________________Or, Diego aggressively attempts to love Five. Meanwhile, Five is trying to help his family in the only way he knows how.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves & Grace Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves
Series: Five is a problem solver [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 69
Kudos: 268





	1. Forget it

_I was known by my actions and words, my internal universe was unavailable for inspection by others. They didn't know. They didn't know, because I never told them._

_― Kim Stanley Robinson_

Whenever Diego stopped by the house, he made a big show of slamming doors open. 

“HEY MOM!”

He’d shout like a lunatic, stomp around, and otherwise do his damnedest to be as noticeable as humanly possible. 

“MOM WHERE ARE- oh. Hey, Five.” Diego picked at his nails to feign nonchalance. “You seen mom?” 

“She’s not here,” Five said. “So pipe down, would you?” 

Diego stiffened. “What do you mean she’s not here?” 

“She’s at the grocery store with Luther." Five smirked and added, "She’s _fine_.” 

Diego deflated. “What do you mean she’s fine? Of course she’s fine.”

“Yup, she’s fine.” Five made as if to turn away, but Diego grabbed his arm.

“Hey, I think it’s good,” Diego said. “That she goes out now.” 

Before the old man died Mom had never left the property. It was an order embedded into her programming. But Five had deleted it. 

Among other things. 

“Uh huh,” Five said. “She’ll be back in a half hour or so.” 

“Oh yeah? Guess I’ll hang around for a bit then,” Diego said. “So what are you up to?” 

Five glared at the hand on his arm and Diego released him, smiling sheepishly. For some reason Diego had a bad habit of… well, it’s not that he was touchy. _Klaus_ was touchy. Always slinging his arms over Five’s shoulders or resting them on his head.

No, Diego had a way of grabbing that grated on Five’s nerves. It was always a restraining hold. 

Like a perp walk.

“Five? What are you up to?” Diego squinted at him. “You good, bro?” 

Five tried to formulate an inoffensive response.

“I’m good,” he said, carefully. “I was about to leave the house myself.” 

It was Thursday, which meant a trip to the library. 

“By yourself?” Diego said. “Where you going?” 

Five crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Yes, _by myself_. I don’t need a chaperone.” 

“But where are you going?” 

“What’s it to you?”

“Look, there’s this turf war going on,” Diego said. “Between these two gangs. So I just-”

Five laughed. “I have killed more men in one sitting than you’ve _scratched_ in your lifetime, Diego.” He sneered at Diego’s scowl. “You should worry about the fool who’d try to take me on.” 

“Fuck you!” Diego said. “You think you’re hot shit, but even you-”

Five warped out of the house.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A normal person might use a phone if they wanted to get a hold of someone. Since Five refused to acquire one, his siblings had learned to contact him through Klaus or Luther.

Failing that, he could typically be found in his bedroom, the library, or the training room. 

But _no_. 

Though Diego was a simple man at heart- the sort to run into battle with a straightforwardness that forwent any kind of thought or strategy- when it came to matters that were more… civilian in nature, he would bumble around in as indirect a way as possible. 

Diego planted himself on the stairs and talked to Klaus at a volume which was louder than necessary. "... but, you know, Al practically _begged_ me to do it. How could I say no?" 

At first it wasn't clear, but eventually Five realized Diego was trying to get _his_ attention specifically. 

"As you already know, my _dear_ brother." Klaus spoke in that theatrical way he used when he wanted to make a joke of his situation. A sort of conspiratorial bad acting, done on purpose. "Luther and I are both _beside_ ourselves with excitement." 

He heard a thump and a yelp and guessed that Diego had punched Klaus, probably sensing the sarcasm. 

"It's no big deal." Diego delivered this line in an angry, threatening tone. 

_We can't all have Allison's talents_ , Five thought, rolling his eyes. 

"Oh, but Diego!" Klaus adopted a more sugary tone, simpering and high pitched. "Did you tell Five about the match?" 

This sort of pretend conversation had been repeated in various locations throughout the house. But this was the first time one of them actually let his name drop. 

" _Huh_ ," Diego said. "You know, I forgot all about him." 

They would probably continue the farce for days if he didn't put a stop to it. So Five put on an aggrieved smile and teleported onto the staircase with them. "Forgot me, did you?" 

Klaus overdid his surprise, gasping and tilting back over the banister. The idiot might have fallen clean over the rails, but Five grabbed him by the shirt and tugged him back into his feet. 

"Be careful!" Diego snapped at him. "Goddammit Klaus, you almost fell!" 

"Whoopsie daisy," Klaus giggled. "Great reflexes, Fivey." 

Five huffed. "Tell me about the thing already." 

Diego hesitated, glancing between the two of them as if unprepared to actually go off script. "Uh." 

Klaus rescued him. "A boxing match!" He clapped his hands together. "After years of mopping the blood off the ring, our Diego is finally getting a chance to shed his _own_ blood _in_ the ring!" 

Diego glared at him. 

"Is it not called a ring?" Klaus said. "I thought that was the term. Is it a rink? I thought that was ice skating." 

Shaking his head in bemusement, Diego mumbled, "Yeah, the boxing ring." 

"Sounds like a real..." A real what? Five couldn't think of a simile, so he abandoned the sentence and cleared his throat. "When's the match?" 

His part in the whole charade taken care of, Klaus started making his way down the stairs, saluting them as he went. 

"The 26th." Diego casually leaned his elbows on the stair banister, looking out over the foyer. "Mostly everyone's going. Well, except for Vanya. She said she had a thing." 

"Ah." Five said. "The 26th falls on a Friday doesn't it?" 

Diego straightened. "Yeah, so?" 

"She's been meeting with me in the training room," Five said. "Twice a week, every week, since we got back from the sixties. Friday is one of those days." 

" _That's_ her thing?!" Diego curled his fingers around the railings now, squeezing with a tight knuckled grip. "I thought she meant a work thing!" 

"It _is_ work," Five said. "Important work."

"But you guys could skip a lesson." Diego huffed. "Allison's even gonna fly in from California." 

They _could_ do that. But if Vanya had already turned down the invitation, shouldn't he do the same? She had clearly prioritized the training.

Would she resent him if he canceled it for a day? Perhaps think he didn't find it important? Didn't consider _her_ important? 

"That would… set a bad precedent," Five said. 

Three weeks into their training sessions and Five was already learning how important her emotional balance was to the nature of her powers. Offending Vanya could be a dangerous set back. 

"Forget it," Diego said. "You guys have fun." 

Five recognized the bitterness in his tone for what it was. "We'll be there for the next one." 

"There won't _be_ a next one," Diego snapped. "I'm just filling in for someone." 

Crap. "Oh. Then-"

"I said _forget it_ ," Diego said. "You better not show your face at the match. Either of you." 

Diego _had_ always been a sensitive one, hadn't he? It was one of those details Five would forget until reminded. 

"We can go to the match," Five said. "Like you said, we'll skip a-" 

"I don't want you there!" Diego said. "Forget you even heard about it, alright? Christ." 

Arguing the point would have the opposite effect, so Five shrugged. "Alright." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“... visit sooner.” Diego was in the kitchen with Mom. “I just thought, after everything, that we’d decided to put more effort in. To act like a proper family, you know?” 

Five’s stomach growled, but he did _not_ want any part of this conversation. 

“Sweetheart, proper families have relatives who live out of town,” Mom said. “And they have designated holidays for gatherings.” 

If he knew what was inside the fridge, if he had the exact placement of the desired items and visualized them in his mind, Five knew he could pluck them through a portal and get away unseen. 

“Holidays, huh?” Diego said. “Hey, isn’t Mother’s Day one of those holidays? It’s coming up.”

The turkey should be in a bottom drawer. But was it the left or the right drawer?

Mom giggled. “Yes it is! Should we invite everyone for dinner?” 

It would be easier if he had an object he could swap out with his target, but Five didn’t have anything on hand. Unless he used his shoe? 

“Everyone but Allison, I guess,” Diego said. “She probably has plans with her kid.” 

Fuck it, he could do it without a swap. But where was the bread? In the pantry, but which shelf would it be on? It was difficult to guess. 

“She probably does,” Mom agreed. “But we can call her and say hello.” 

He created a tiny portal into the fridge and tugged, but he grabbed a tub of butter instead of the desired turkey slices. 

“Did you hear that?” Diego said.

Five sighed. 

He gave up and walked into the kitchen in time to watch Diego examining the contents of the fridge suspiciously. 

“Five, hello! Are you hungry?” Mom said. “I’m making chicken alfredo for lunch.” 

“Then I guess I’m eating chicken alfredo for lunch,” Five said. “Is it almost ready?” 

“Don’t rush her,” Diego said. 

“It’ll be ready in approximately seven minutes,” Mom said. “In approximately seven minutes. In approxima-”

“Mom?” Diego grabbed her shoulders and gave her a little shake. “Hey!” 

Five calmly returned the butter to the fridge while Diego fussed over Mom. But he kept an eye on them in his peripheral. 

Mom laughed and ruffled Diego’s hair. “Hello!” she said. 

“Are you okay?” Diego said. 

“Of course, silly.” Mom glanced over Diego’s shoulder. “Five, hello! Are you hungry?”

Five studied her expression. “I’m a little hungry,” he said. 

“What do you think I should make for lunch?” Mom said. 

“You’re already making something,” Diego said. “Chicken alfredo, remember?” 

Mom looked around and spotted the noodles, which were being boiled on the stove. She opened the oven and found the chicken. “Oh! I’m making chicken alfredo for lunch.” 

“Maybe you should sit down,” Diego said. 

“Let her continue.”

Diego slammed his fist against the fridge. “Lunch doesn’t fucking matter, Five!” 

“It’s not about the food, you idiot,” Five said. “I want to watch her go about her business so I can see if she has any other symptoms.” 

“My little technician,” Mom said. “Five is a very good doctor, Diego.” 

Five winced. 

“What’s she talking about?” Diego was wound up tight, jaw locked, fists clenched. 

“I’ve been helping her with maintenance,” Five said. “Since the old man isn’t exactly around anymore to help her sort out her… bugs.” 

Diego crossed his arms in front of him. “What _bugs_? I thought she was fixed?” 

Five threw his hands up. “Who do you think fixed her?” 

Initially, Pogo had been the one to sort her out whenever there were problems. But he was gone now. Five had been keeping tabs on Mom in his place.

“Now now,” Mom said, offhandedly. “Don’t fight.” 

She was stirring the noodles, acting perfectly normal. She grabbed a strainer and drained the water from the batch. “Lunch is almost ready,” she said. 

Diego sat down with a huff and they both watched her bustle about the kitchen in silence. 

When Mom opened the oven to examine the chicken again, she tutted. “Needs a bit more time.” 

Five thought carefully before speaking, but finally he prodded her. “How much time?” 

Mom straightened. “Approximately three minutes,” She said. “Approximately three-”

“Fuck!” Diego said, shooting out of his seat. Five warped in between them, shoving Diego back as Mom continued to repeat the phrase. “The hell did you do to her!”

“I tested a theory,” Five said. 

“You’re the one who fucking broke her!” Diego said. “Goddammit!” 

He could be right. The last time Five had poked around in her programming he’d deleted a few things. That might have upset the balance.

“I’ll fix it,” Five said. “Just-”

“The hell do you know about robots?” Diego said. “You shouldn’t have messed with her head in the first place! She was _fine_ , she’d finally-”

“She wasn’t fine!” Five thought of all those rules that had weighed her down, _trapped her_ , and couldn’t bring himself to regret his actions. But he should have been more careful, perhaps. “Diego, she-”

“Boys!” Mom interrupted. “That’s enough fighting!”

Diego shoved Five aside and flung himself at her, hugging her tightly. “Mom?”

“Yes, Diego?” 

“Are you broken?” 

Five watched her calmly rub circles into Diego’s back and frown. She seemed to be giving serious thought to her answer. She made eye contact with Five over his shoulder and subtly shook her head. 

Diego pulled away from the hug. “Mom?”

She smiled. “I’m getting old, that’s all.” 

“You’re not old!” 

Five snorted. “Technically speaking, she’s younger than you.” 

Diego latched onto the fact. “Right, yeah, did you hear that Mom? You’re the youngest in the family.” 

Mom cupped Diego’s face in her hands. “You’ll always be my little boy. You were so small…”

The chicken was in danger of being overcooked. Five took it upon himself to don oven mitts and rescue it. 

Mom noticed. “Thank you, dear.”

“No problem.” 

She clapped her hands together. “Diego, go let Luther and Klaus know lunch is ready, hmm?” 

He looked between her and Five. “But-”

“I’ll do it,” Five said. 

“No,” Mom said. “Diego, please?” 

He glared at her, but there was no heat in it. It was more of a pout. “Mom-”

“Diego.” 

He sighed. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll go get everyone.”

Reluctantly, he stalked out of the kitchen. 

Mom looked at Five expectantly. 

“It’s not a solution, you know,” he said. “It’s a bandaid.” 

“I know,” she said. “But you’ll find a solution later, won’t you?” 

“You know I will.” 

“Then let’s use the bandaid in the meantime,” Mom said. “Okay?” 

“Alright,” Five said. “Fine.” 

He held out his hand and she took it, allowing him to teleport her directly to her charging station. 

She didn’t need to be charged, but hooking her up to the equipment made the process easier. Or rather, it made it faster. 

Essentially, whenever Mom had problems she would shut herself down and wait for Five to turn her back on again. A soft reboot of her systems. They could do it without the charging station, but it would take twice as long. 

When Mom opened her eyes, she did not smile. She didn’t frown either, but she looked down at her hands contemplatively and kept her gaze there for a full minute. 

“How are you feeling?” Five asked. 

“Better, I think.” Mom made a show of dusting off her dress. “Let’s go back before Diego notices.”

So he warped them back into the kitchen and she carried on with her day as if nothing had happened.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Occasionally, Five would get pulled over by the cops. This time he was alone in the car, so they’d insist on driving him to the police station. One officer taking the wheel of _his_ vehicle as his partner followed behind. 

“This is why you shouldn’t go out on your own.” Diego sauntered into the station with the delight of a man who is rarely proven right. “You’re technically a minor.” 

“And _you’re_ technically a janitor,” Five retorted. “But these halfwits still let you run around with knives, don’t they?” 

One of the halfwits in question, a plain clothes detective, laughed good naturedly. “Kid’s got a point, Diego. Maybe we should confiscate those things.” 

Diego made a show of aggressively ruffling Five’s hair, barking his own laugh. “Ignore my _little_ brother,” he growled. “He’s just a bitter old… young guy.” 

The detective raised an eyebrow at that. “Right, well, you’re gonna have to ground him or something. This is the third time they caught him driving and this time he was alone. That’s a big red flag.”

“You act like I’m some kind of delinquent,” Five groused, fixing his hair. “I was just going to the _library_.” 

“Sure, kid.” The man gave Diego a look. “Seriously, you’ve got to be careful. This is the sort of thing that child services takes note of. Your dad’s gone, right? Who’s watching this kid?” 

Five bristled at the implication. “This _kid_ -”

Diego clapped a hand over his mouth. “He lives with my other brothers,” Diego said. “Luther and Klaus.” 

“Klaus the _addict_?” 

Five shoved Diego away from him, but reined in his temper. He knew attacking a police detective, even verbally, would be foolish. Especially in a fucking police station.

“He’s clean now,” Diego said. “Look, you don’t have to-” 

“I’m ready to go home,” Five announced. “Alright? Am I free to go?” 

The detective patted him on the shoulder, smiling apologetically. “Of course you are, ki- I mean… what was your name?” 

“Doesn’t matter,” Five said. He didn’t have time to confuse police officers with his identity. 

“His name is Five,” Diego said. “Long story-” 

“ _Diego_.” 

“Alright! Jeez.” Diego nodded at the detective. “Thanks for calling me, Beaman.”

“Anytime.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The drive home was eventful. 

“So I was thinking,” Diego said. “Why don’t we go to one of those miniature golf courses? You, me, and the guys. A group bro date.” 

"What about Vanya?" 

“What about her?” Diego’s grip on the wheel tightened. 

"Is she one of the ‘guys’ or…?" 

“No, Five,” Diego said. “She’s a girl.” 

“Well, she should come too,” Five said. “We’re not excluding her anymore, remember?” 

“We’d be excluding Allison too,” Diego said. “Sometimes brothers want to do things with just _brothers_ , you know? It’s not about-”

“Allison is in California,” Five said. “Vanya isn’t. If she found out-”

"What about your bro dates with Klaus?" Diego said. “You invite her to those too?” 

"That's different."

"It's the same!"

"It's a bargain I made with him," Five said. "Outings of his choice in exchange for his participation in NA." 

"He's trying NA again?" 

Five tutted. "Figures he'd leave that part out." 

"So you'll only hang out with us if you get something out of it?" Diego said. "Is that it?"

"Look, I'll do whatever you want. Golfing or frisbee or whatever." Five noticed Diego was going over the speed limit and thought about pointing it out, but thought better of it. "As long as you invite Vanya too."

"You know what? Forget it," Diego said. "We'll go without you."

"No skin off my back.” If it was just the three of them Vanya would be less likely to take offense. Five could pretend he hadn’t been invited either. 

Still, the rest of the drive was palpably silent. Five wondered if Diego might be appeased by a counter offer. An outing with just the two of them, perhaps? But doing what?

Before he could think of anything, they arrived at the Academy. Five got out of the car and Diego drove away.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Diego insisted they celebrate Mother’s Day. 

“It had to be on a Sunday,” Five muttered. “Of fucking course.” 

He had forgotten about the stupid holiday. 

“What’s wrong with Sunday?” Vanya said. 

“Nothing. Nevermind.” 

They were gathered haphazardly in the living room. Five sat with Vanya and Klaus at the bar and they watched Luther and Diego argue over how to mount the new TV onto the wall. 

“Like paintings,” Mom was saying. “And the radio, but combined!” 

“I can’t believe Mom’s never seen a TV before,” Vanya said. “I wish I’d thought of that.” 

“Your gift is adorable,” Klaus said. He was hugging said gift to his chest. It was a big teddy bear with a smaller teddy bear sowed in place, so that the bigger bear was eternally hugging the smaller. “I just got her a card!” 

It was an arbitrary rule, but Sunday was the one day of the week that Five allowed himself to obsess over the timeline. He would scrutinize every public Umbrella Academy mission after Ben’s death and try to predict how Ben’s survival would affect things. 

“It’s the thought that counts,” Vanya said. “Man, I just can’t believe we never thought to celebrate before. I guess we didn’t really think of Mom as a person when we were kids? Or as, like, a real mom?” 

The real question was, how would Ben’s survival have affected _Vanya_? Or the course of events that caused, and then prevented, the Apocalypse? 

Diego strode over to them with a self satisfied smirk and pointed a remote control at the new TV. It switched on and Mom gasped in delight.

“We were little shits,” Diego said. “But things will be different from now on.” 

“Oh, don’t talk like that, Diego,” Mom said. “You were delightful children.” 

“Nah, we were gremlins,” Klaus said. “But any-who! Awesome TV!” 

The TV was playing a commercial. Some generic car ad, with a happy family carting themselves off on some kind of vacation. Five hated the smiles on their faces. 

Luther rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I just thought a TV would be nice.” 

Maybe it would be wiser to just pull Ben away from 2006 altogether. How old was he then? Seventeen?

“Yeah, yeah, your gift is awesome,” Diego said. “Whatever, here’s mine.” 

Diego presented a heart shape locket and everyone gasped and cooed over it accordingly. Mom kissed him on the cheek and held her hair away from her neck as he put it on for her. 

Five tried to picture Ben in the room with them, looking like a seventeen year old. Would he be uncomfortable with the age gap? Would he feel out of place? 

“Your turn, Five,” Diego said. 

Five raised an eyebrow. 

“A _gift_ ,” Diego said. “Didn’t you get Mom a gift?” 

“Oh,” Five said. “Hmm.” 

He opened a tiny portal to his room, instinctively grabbing Vanya’s memoir. It was the only sentimental object he had left, and he always knew exactly where it was. 

He held the book out to Mom. “You can have this, I suppose.” 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Diego growled. “You call _that_ a gift?!”

His copy was old, older than anyone else in the room, and its beaten cover showed its age. Diego snatched it before Mom could and flipped it open, pointing at the pages.

“You’ve written all over it!” 

“Don’t be rude, Diego,” Mom chided him. “Give it here.” 

For once, Diego didn’t do what she wanted. He closed the book, but held onto it. “He didn’t get you a gift, Mom.” Diego glared at Five. “He doesn’t even care.” 

It was true that he hadn’t planned a proper gift. And already Five was regretting the whim of offering his book to her. He’d kept the damn thing all these years and wasn’t entirely prepared to let it go.

But that was silly. He could easily walk into a book store and buy another copy whenever he wanted. 

“Is that…” Vanya tried to grab the book from Diego, but he wouldn’t let it go. 

“Yeah, it’s your stupid memoir.” Diego waved the book above their heads. “You’re the only one he cares about, I guess!”

“Hooo, boy,” Klaus said. “There’s a lot to unpack there.” 

“Diego, could you calm down a little?” Luther said. “I think-”

“No, Diego’s right.” Five warped onto Diego’s shoulders and grabbed the book from him. “This isn’t a gift.” 

He jumped to the other side of the room while Diego swore. 

“I apologize, Mother,” Five said. “I came empty handed.” 

“That’s okay, dear,” Mom said. 

“It’s not okay!” Diego shouted. “Why the hell would it be okay? Even _Klaus_ managed to bring something.” 

“Hey!” Klaus waved his birthday card in the air. “This isn’t really a gift either, you guys! I’m still a fuck up!” 

Vanya’s startled laugh was brimming with tension. The bottles in the bar behind her clanked with vibrations. 

“You know what?” Five said. “I don’t have time for this.” 

He teleported back to his room.

But Diego wouldn’t let him go that easily. “FIVE!” 

Five could hear him pounding up the stairs. “GET BACK HERE!” 

In times like this, Five wished Dolores was still around. 

Diego pounded on his door. “FIVE!”

She would have reminded him to get a gift. She would have-

A knife poked through the wood. 

Five warped to the other side and wrestled Diego to the ground. “Calm down!”

“Fuck you!”

“I’m sorry, alright? Just-”

Diego flipped them over and then there was a knife under his chin. They both froze as it nicked his skin. Diego’s eyes widened and he pulled it back. “Shit.” 

“Diego-” 

Diego stood, shaking his head. “Fine, let’s just forget it.”

Five sat up. “But-”

 _“Forget it_ , Five.” All the anger had drained out of him. Now Diego walked backwards down the hallway, still shaking his head. “I’ll let it go.” 

Five stood and warped again, so he was directly in front of his brother. He grabbed his shoulders. “I _do_ care. I do.” 

“S-sure.” Diego bit his lip. “Sure, y-you... do.” 

“I did everything I could!” Five insisted. “I did the impossible, because I needed you to be alive. All of you-”

“Alive. Right.” Diego wasn’t looking at him. He directed his gaze at the ceiling, lip trembling. “We’re alive all-alright. I guess that’s all that matters.” 

“Isn’t it?” 

_“Sure_ ,” Diego spat. “That’s all that matters.” 

There was that bitterness again. Five tried to puzzle it out, tried to come up with the words that would fix it. It was so much easier with everyone else, but Diego had never been easily pacified. 

Diego shrugged him off. “I’m going back downstairs,” he said. “Do whatever you want.”

“I’ll go back,” Five said. “I’ll go with you.” 

Diego scowled. “Fine.” 

“Is that not what you want?” 

“I don’t know, Five!” Diego spun around, stalking back down the hallway. “Do. What. You. Want.” 

_I want to rescue Ben_ , Five thought. _I want to bring him home. He should be here for Mother’s Day too._

That goal was far off. Maybe by next year, he’d have done it. But today? He had to take care of the family in front of him.

“I want to join the family,” Five said. “If you’ll have me.” 

Diego glanced over his shoulder. His jaw was still tense, muscles tight, but he was slowly loosening. “Come _on_ then, jackass.” 

Five smiled ruefully and hurried after him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you put "chercher la petite bête" in the French to English google translator it gives you the idiom "splitting hairs" which is kind of when someone is being pedantic or arguing over small technicalities. It doesn't quite work the same as the French idiom "looking for the tiny beast" which is the literal translation of the phrase. 
> 
> Someone who is looking for the "tiny beast" is a person who is already upset. They're looking for something to blame, something to complain about. I thought the phrase suited Diego rather well, at least in the context of this fic xDD And, as I'm sure you've noticed, I love using French phrases to tie all the fics together, haha. 
> 
> You also might have noticed that everything in this chapter is taking place before jamais vu. Though I wouldn't blame you if the timeline is getting too confusing to keep track of. *sweats* There's a logic to the madness, I swear!


	2. Acts of service

_It takes one to tell, and two to misunderstand._

_― H.C. Paye_

Diego couldn't quite put his finger on why, but it felt weird to be standing outside Five's room like this. It would be even weirder _inside_ the room, he figured. 

Maybe because this bedroom had been something of a monument to their missing brother for all those years. 

The last time he'd gone in there Pogo had scolded him for fighting with Luther. Five hadn't even been there for that, but he was embarrassed by the memory. He'd said some ugly things that day. Wasn't that the last time he saw Pogo?

 _You're being stupid_ , Diego thought. _Fucking knock already._

He did and Five's irritated voice snapped out an immediate response, "I swear to god, Klaus, if you knock on my door _one more time_ -"

"It's Diego, asshole." 

A flash of blue and Five was standing beside him. "What happened?" 

Frowning, Diego fingered the oversized scarf he'd brought to show him. "What makes you think something happened?" 

Five smirked. "Why else would you come to me?" 

As much as it would smart to prove Five right, Mom's well being was more important than his pride. He offered the scarf to Five. 

Five took it. "I'm going to need some context." 

"It's super long," Diego said. "Ridiculously long. That scarf is the length of five scarves put together." 

Five examined it, nodding slowly. "Mom made this?" 

"She was sitting there in a daze, just repeating the motions. If I hadn't interrupted she probably would have kept going until she ran out of yarn." 

"Understood," Five said. "I'll take a look at her." 

Diego glared at him. "She's not a car, you know. You can't just pop the hood and-"

"Diego, when a person is sick they go to a doctor, yes?" Five shoved the scarf back at him. "This is the same thing." 

"I just don't like the way you treat her when she's glitching. You act like-"

"Do you want my help or not?" 

Diego gritted his teeth. "I want your help." 

"Good." 

Then the son of a bitch disappeared. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


If anyone had told him a year ago that he'd be contemplating how best to break into a public library at 1 a.m, Diego would have laughed in their face. 

It was the most random thing he had ever attempted. 

But Five had a thing about this library. Some sort of association from his Apocalypse days, was the closest Diego could guess. 

And everything about Five _was_ a guess. The guy didn't exactly share much. 

So when he got a call from Klaus saying that Ben was freaking out because Five wasn't home, well. 

The library seemed like a good bet. Let Luther and Klaus drive around aimlessly in the hopes of running into Five. Diego was smarter than that. 

But if he got arrested for breaking into a library he'd never live it down. There had to be a subtle way to go about it. So that no one would notice, come morning. 

"We can't all teleport through walls," Diego grumbled. "Fuckin' Five. You better be in here." 

In the end he was able to carefully shimmy a window open. He clambered in and started a systematic search, prepared to check through each floor of the building. 

Five was on the first floor, huddled in a corner under a desk on a pile of blankets. He'd brought candles and set them up haphazardly around him.

The lighting wasn't the best, but it looked like he had that old mannequin tucked under an arm. 

And a big old bottle of liquor in the other. 

"Talk about déjà vu," Diego said. "How many times am I gonna find you drinking here, huh? It's a library, not a bar." 

Five took a swig. "Diegoooo. How's it going?" 

"I've been better." Diego nudged a candle with his foot. "This is a fire hazard." 

"Candles are important," Five said. "You gotta have candles." 

"What, for your little date?" 

Five snorted. "We're too old for dates." He patted Dolores on the head and Diego noticed he'd added a wig. "Though she insisted I dress up anyhow." 

And dress up he had. Five was sporting a crisp black dress shirt and black slacks. 

"You're definitely looking sharp," Diego said. "But don't you think it's a bit late? The library's closed, man." 

"Better when it's closed. Quiet." 

"Uh huh." Diego knelt down and tried to get a good look at the bottle's label, but he couldn't make it out. "Look, I know you're an adult. You don't have to answer to anyone."

Five took another swig. 

"But you live with Klaus and Luther now," Diego continued. "And… and Ben." 

At the mention of Ben, Five got this stricken look on his face. "What day is it?!"

"Huh? It's Monday." Diego scratched his head. "Or, it was Monday. Now it's Tuesday, I guess." 

He had been gearing up to scold Five. To explain that Ben had found his room empty and that it wasn't cool to just disappear whenever he wanted.

But Five's shoulders slumped and Diego got distracted. 

"Tuesday," Five echoed. "Not Wednesday?" 

He sounded disappointed. 

"It's almost Wednesday," Diego offered. "Just a day away." 

Like a dam breaking, what was left of Five's composure suddenly gave way and Diego could only stare as the drunken sod started honest to god _crying_. 

"Whoa, whoa." Diego tried to squeeze under the desk, thinking he'd give Five a hug or something, but he didn't fit. "Hey, do you want to get out of there? Please?" 

Five mutely shook his head. 

The thing about crying is, everybody cries in a different way.

When Allison cried she was composed and stoic, tears would slowly and quietly slip down her cheeks. Klaus was on the other end of the spectrum, full of heaving breaths and wailing dramatics. When Klaus cried he _sobbed_.

Or that's how they'd been as kids. Diego hadn't seen any of his siblings cry in years. And he'd never seen Five cry _at all_. At least not that he could remember. 

Five scrunched his face up while he cried and pressed his lips tightly together. It looked like he was trying to hold his breath. But the tears came and he just kept shaking his head, looking furious. 

Diego tried to lighten the mood. "I thought you were a surly drunk. Didn't you say that? I was expecting some surly-ness." 

He was rewarded with a gasping sort of laugh, but Five quickly smothered it by pressing his hands against his face. He bent in on himself so that his head was practically in his own lap.

It was hard to reach Five, he was tucked far back into a corner under the desk. But Diego got on his belly and army crawled in, stretching his arm so that he could awkwardly pat at his ankle. 

Five flinched at the contact and glared at him. "Fuck off!" 

"Nope," Diego said. "You're stuck with me." 

Five blinked away and the abandoned mannequin and bottle tipped towards each other. He managed to grab the bottle and right it before it could make a mess. 

"You left Dolores behind!" Diego shouted. "Did you mean to do that?" 

He grabbed her and backed out from under the desk. "It's rude to ditch your date like that." 

Diego stood and looked at the mannequin. The wig was kind of crooked, so he adjusted it. "Fiiiive. C'mon, man. Isn't she your wife or something?" 

Five reappeared on top of the desk. "Give her back," he said. 

"I will," Diego said. "But first we're gonna get out of here." 

Five warped closer, landing with a stumble. 

He'd tripped over a candle and they both watched the flame flicker out with some relief. It would've sucked if they'd started a fire.

Then Five was punching at him, but there was no force behind his little fists. Diego swallowed, suddenly disturbed by how _small_ Five was.

Anyone could just pick him up and-

"Five, would you let up?" Diego said. "Can we talk?" 

Diego easily evaded another sloppy punch and clicked his tongue. "Is this any way to treat a lady? You seriously gonna wrestle her from me?" 

Five paused at that, frowning. 

Diego made a show of fixing her hair again. "I don't know what she thinks, but _I_ just think it's rude. I'm trying not to man handle her too much, see? Just… just gently escort her."

"Escort her?" Five scoffed. "Where the hell are you going to escort her?" 

"There's two options," Diego said. "Let me take you back to the Academy or come over to my place." 

"Your place?" 

"My place." 

"Why would she go to your place?" 

" _We_ would," Diego pointed from himself and Dolores to Five. "All three of us. Cause we can't stay here." 

"The hell we can't," Five grumbled. "This is _our_ home. Dolores and mine." 

"Not anymore, Five." 

Five sighed. "He lives in a _gym_. In the _basement._ " 

Diego blinked. 

"You should just move back home," Five said. "Why not, right? Dad's gone." 

Diego rolled his eyes. "Just cause Dad's gone-"

"For fuck's sake," Five said. " _Fine_. I'm not letting you go without me." 

Diego considered him. "To the Academy?" 

"To your stupid little basement fuckboy bachelor pad!" Five said. "Alright? I'm coming too." 

"Oh. Well good." He looked back down at Five's little mess. "Let's clean up, then." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


There were no more crying spells that night. He managed to get Five into bed with relative ease and then he called Luther to let him know that Five was fine. 

He only had one mattress, so he piled up Five's blankets and tried to sleep on the floor. 

It was no good though. Diego gave up after an hour or two and carefully crawled into bed with Five. 

Five didn't notice. He was sleeping peacefully, cuddling with Dolores.

It was cramped and awkward, but better than the floor. Diego fell asleep. 

When he woke up, he had the bed to himself. Five was gone. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He liked visiting the Academy. He made a habit of it these days. Mostly for Mom, but it wasn't all that bad hanging out with his brothers. They'd catch lunch together sometimes. Maybe watch a movie.

But Diego did _not_ sleep at the Academy. Ever. Even if Klaus roped him into some kind of late night binge session, even if they turned the TV off at 3 a.m. and Klaus laughed and teased and promised to lend him the good pillows, Diego was firm on this one thing. 

Until he got shot. 

He made it home in a blur and Mom treated him with the same gentle efficiency she'd always shown when anyone got injured on a mission. 

Before he knew it he was unconscious. She'd probably sedated him. 

He woke up in his old bed. 

"Oh look," Five drawled. "He lives." 

Diego sat up slowly, careful with his wound, and glared at Five. "Did you need something?" 

"Just wanted to see for myself." Five pressed a hand against his neck. "Yup, the ol' heart is still beating. Amazing." 

"I don't need your shit," Diego growled. 

"I'm sure you don't, but here I am anyway." 

"Where's Mom?"

"Busy." Five gave him one of those creepy grins, the kind he usually reserved for fits of homicidal rage. "So, shall I go spread the good news? Let everyone know you're still breathing?" 

Diego frowned. "Did Mom, uh, tell you all?" 

"She didn't have to," Five said. "You spilled blood all over the entryway." 

"Don't act like I'm the idiot here." He gestured at his bandages. "I remember when _you_ walked around with a shrapnel wound until you passed out. At least I got _myself_ home.

"Maybe you also remember that the fate of the _world_ was at stake," Five growled. "What was at stake last night? Somebody's wallet?" 

"Fuck off. I don't have to explain myself to you." 

"I suppose not." Five blinked to the door and slammed it open. "He's awake!" 

Shit. 

"Are they gonna…" He trailed off. 

Five was already gone. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Bottles. Crates full of them. Whiskey and rum, vodka and gin, just bottles and bottles of the stuff. All stacked up together against the wall. 

In _his_ room. He was getting ready to go throw down with Al when he spotted Five under the table. 

There were two empty wine bottles under there too. 

"What the hell." 

The explanation he got, when Five finally woke up, was that all the drinks were from the Academy. 

"Did Dad buy in _bulk_? Jesus." 

"I don't know and I don't care." Five had the decency to put his empty bottles in the trash can, at least. "Merry Christmas." 

"This isn't a freaking storage room," Diego protested. "I barely had space to begin with!" 

"Do you want to help Klaus stay sober or not?" Five demanded. 

"Who's gonna keep _you_ sober, huh?" 

Five waved this concern away. "I'm not like him." 

"Sure you're not." 

"Believe what you want." Five gave him a sardonic salute. "I'll see myself out." 

"Hey, _wait_ , fuck!" 

Why did he always have to zip away like a goddamn thief in the night? 

Fucking Five. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It had been ages since they'd had a family meeting. The last one had been about the Hargreeves family fortune. Tame stuff compared to the world ending crisis they'd dealt with before. 

It would have been tempting to skip, but Luther said this one had been requested by Ben. 

Who the hell could say no to Ben? 

So Diego put on his goddamn team player face and made his way over to the Academy. 

He was one of the last to arrive. 

"... on standby, so I'll call her when we're ready to start," Luther was saying. "She also said-"

"Ey!" Diego sauntered into the room. "I'm here." 

Klaus winked at him, finger gun pointing in his direction. "Looking good, Casanova." 

Diego punched him lightly on the shoulder. "And you're looking... sober." 

Klaus beamed. "That I am!" 

"Klaus, did he say what this was about?" Vanya was looking anxious as ever, sitting at the edge of her seat. "Ben has never… well, this is a first." 

"Ben can tell us himself," Luther said. "Right Klaus?" 

Klaus nodded. "I've gotten up to two hours now." He rubbed his hands together. "Hurry up and call Allison, we're ready to start."

But they were still missing Five.

"Five isn't here yet." Vanya beat him to the punch. "Is he upstairs?" 

"Nope!" Klaus chuckled. "He's at the library, which, well… you tell 'em." 

He balled his hands up unto fists and they started glowing with that same blue-ish light that Diego still associated with Five's teleporting. 

He'd asked Klaus, at one point, if there was any relation there. Klaus had just shrugged. 

The blue glow sort of illuminated the room, brighter than any portal Five could produce. Most of it was coming from Ben himself. 

"-didn't… oh." Ben gave them a little wave. "Hey guys." He cleared his throat. "Sorry, I, uh… I wasn't ready yet." 

Maybe it was the glow that bothered Ben. It made him look like a dead Jedi. Or maybe it was just all the years of being invisible. 

If you get used to being ignored, suddenly having eyes on you would be weird right? That's what Diego figured anyway. It would probably feel like being put under a spotlight. 

"You said you _were_ ready," Klaus said. 

"I said we _could_ start since everyone's here now," Ben retorted. "But I didn't say _go._ So I thought-" 

"What am I, your trained monkey?" Klaus threw his hands up. "I'm supposed to act on code words now?" 

Luther raised his hand, like a freaking little kid. "Uh, I've got the laptop all set up. I just need to press Call. Should I or...?" 

"Wait, so we're leaving Five out on purpose?" Vanya said. "Is the meeting about him?" 

"Daaamn," Diego said. "Five's gonna be pissed." 

Ben blanched. "It's not like that!" Then he winced. "Well, it is, but-" 

"Why can't you bring it up with Five more directly?" Vanya said. "My therapist says-"

"Oh boy. Just call Allison already," Klaus said. "And we can all settle down to listen to mama bear Ben, hmm?"

Luther connected the call and Allison was probably there waving from the screen. Diego had decided to stand behind the laptop this time, to avoid her scrutiny, but he could hear her just fine, "Hey guys! Can you hear me?" 

"We can hear you," Luther said. "Can you hear us?" 

They'd done this whole song and dance before. "Can we skip the tech tutorial and get on with the meeting?" Diego muttered. 

"I can hear you, Luther," Allison said. "Did someone else say something? I couldn't make it out." 

Diego sighed. 

"You have to _enunciate_ ," Klaus said.

Diego punched him in the shoulder. 

"Ow! That one hurt!" 

"I just think it's a breach of trust to discuss him behind his back," Vanya said.

"Vanya, I love you," Ben said. "But I'm seriously worried about Five and I don't think he'd listen to me alone. I thought, if it came from all of us… well..." 

Diego snapped his fingers. "I knew it. He's an alcoholic isn't he? You want to stage an intervention."

Klaus burst into laughter.

"Wait, what happened?" Allison said. "What did Vanya say?"

"An alcoholic!" Klaus gasped between giggles. "Diego, I've never seen the guy so much as-" 

"It's _possible_ ," Diego said.

Klaus giggled. "An alcoholic!"

"Diego, I just saw a bit of your arm," Allison said. "If you could just get closer to Klaus again, I'd be able to see your _face._ " 

"I _do_ want to stage an intervention," Ben said. "But not about that." 

"But seriously guys," Diego said. "He could be. More than once, I've seen him-"

"I think there's a lag," Allison said. "Your lips are out of sync-"

Diego slammed the laptop shut. "Her connection sucks." 

Luther looked scandalized. "You can't just-"

"You can fill her in later." 

"But what did Five do that has you so worried?" Vanya said. "What's the intervention about?" 

"Five is too pure for the vices of this world," Klaus said. "One time he caught me and Luther drinking and he-" 

"Okay, everybody pause," Luther said. "You're just talking over each other." 

Diego crossed his arms together and bit back his reflexive retort. 

It's not like Luther was wrong. They _were_ just talking over each other. 

Ben looked relieved. "Will you just listen to me for a minute?" 

"Sorry man," Diego said. "Go ahead." 

Ben smiled at him, but it was one of those sad smiles.

Diego had been used to smiles like that when they were younger. It was something he had shrugged off. 

These days, they kind of broke his heart a little. Ben _always_ smiled like that. 

"Okay. So, there are a few things," Ben said. "But the _main_ one is that I caught Five time traveling." 

_"What?!"_

"Where would he-"

"When-"

"Why the fuck-"

"Guys!" Luther said. "Let him talk." 

So they did. 

And then they came up with a plan, of sorts. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"So when will he be back?" Diego said.

Ben was gone now. Or, well, not _gone_ , but invisible again. 

And it was hard to think of him as in the room without being able to see him. 

"That boy's schedule is like clockwork," Klaus said. "The library closes at eight, so-" 

"Can I just say," Vanya said. "That this is a really bad idea? If we gang up on him-"

"Five isn't like you," Diego said. "He won't explode." 

Klaus gasped sarcastically and put his hands over Vanya's ears. "So harsh to our sweet summer child!" 

Vanya shrugged it off. "I know he's not like me." 

Luther was pacing around with his phone, still talking with Allison. Vanya pointed in his direction. " _Allison_ agreed with me." 

"We can't let him run around doing whatever he wants!" Diego said. "If that hurts his fucking feelings, then whatever!" 

Klaus leaned towards her. "You've gotta admit," he said. "Five is a big ol' hypocrite." 

She sighed. "I know, but-"

"But nothing," Diego said. "He's the one who said we shouldn't mess with time anymore. And what does he do?!" 

"He messes with time!" Klaus said. "And without even consulting us." 

"He must have had a good reason," Vanya said. "He wouldn't-" 

" _You're_ the one who's always preaching about communication," Diego said. "Well, it's a two way street. He's gotta talk to us. We're supposed to be a team." 

"Hear hear!" Klaus said. 

"So the second he walks through that door we're having a goddamn intervention," Diego said. "And then we can… we can communicate it up!" 

"Alright," Vanya said. "I just hope he doesn't jump away." 

"I'll _kill_ him if he does."

"Oh, it's not like he can get that far anyway," Klaus said. "We can just check every room in the house. He'll teleport away each time you find him, but eventually he runs out of energy. It's kind of fun actually. Like hide and seek." 

Diego frowned at him. "I don't want to know how many times you've done that." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They were basically stuck waiting for Five to get home, so they settled in. Watched TV. 

"Hey, what if Five just blinks directly into his room?" Diego said. "We won't even know he got home." 

"If anything, he would teleport into the kitchen," Luther said. "But he's been pretty good about eating dinner with us lately, so he'll want to walk through here to let us know he's home." 

"Oh, our feral child," Klaus said. "Slowly, but surely, we've tamed him to regular lunch and dinner hours." 

"I think he had a hard time adjusting," Vanya said. "Like, to civilian life. He was an assassin and all. And before that, well. You know." 

Before that he'd survived on cockroaches and bad twinkies. Sparse details like that were all Five would give them about that time in his life.

"I had a hard time adjusting myself!" Klaus said. "Lemme tell you…"

He was getting a call from Beaman, so Diego went into another room for some privacy. 

"What's up, Beaman?" 

"I am seriously concerned about the state of your family," Beaman said. "Like, you guys might have an honest to god custody battle on your hands pretty soon. And you would lose." 

Diego groaned. "One of the guys pull Five over again?" 

"This time he was found just wandering around on foot!" Beaman said. "Said he'd just gotten 'A bit turned around.' Diego, the kid is- what- twelve? Thirteen? He can't just be left alone like this. You know that's child neglect?" 

"Look, Beaman-"

"Hell, you guys could get hit with child _endangerment_ ," Beaman continued. "It's a legitimate safety hazard. I know the kid's a prodigy or whatever. And, yeah, he's a decent driver. But it's illegal for-"

" _Beaman,_ " Diego said. "I get where you're coming from. I really do." 

" _Do_ you?" Beaman said. "Because this keeps happening. Your brother's a regular now. The officers recognize him on _sight_. A lot of them are worried about him." 

"Look, I'm sorry about that," Diego said. "I know it makes you guys uncomfortable, but you gotta understand something. Five's not an actual kid." 

"I don't care how smart he is-"

"No," Diego said. "I mean he's an adult. He's not the age he looks." 

He'd always known this would be a hard sell, but he couldn't let Five get roped into some kind of foster home. 

"How old is he, then?" Beaman said. 

Diego winced. "Uh… he was born on the same day as me." 

Technically true. 

"The same day?" 

"Same day," Diego repeated. "Same year." 

Silence on the other end of the phone. 

"Beaman?" 

"You're full of it," Beaman said. "I've got half a mind to call child services myself." 

"I can prove it to you! Get you his birth certificate and shit." 

"Uh huh," Beaman said. "You gonna bring that over when you pick him up?" 

Diego frowned. "Uh, well, I'm going to need some time to _find_ it." 

"Or forge it." 

"Come on, Beaman. You know I wouldn't do that." 

"I don't know what I know anymore!" Beaman said. "Just get your ass over here, alright? Take your brother home and _keep an eye on him_." 

"I'm on my way," Diego said. 

Well. That's one more thing they'd need to add to the intervention. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Vanya insisted on coming with. 

"You better not be gearing up to tattle tell," Diego said.

"Wow," Vanya said. "Did you really just say 'tattle tell' with a straight face?" 

"I'm serious." 

"Clearly."

"Look everyone knows Five is your favorite," Diego said. "He's your favorite and you're his. But-"

"I'm pretty sure Ben was Five's favorite," Vanya said. "Or. That he _is_." 

"My _point_ is that we need to act like a united front for the freaking intervention to work." 

"You make it sound like a battle," Vanya said. "I thought the point was to help him?"

"We have to fight him to help him." 

"Diego-"

"You know how he is!" 

"And I know how _you_ are," Vanya said. "Remember that fight you guys had on Mother's Day?" 

Of course he fucking remembered. He felt angry just thinking about it. "What about it?" 

"You were so hung up on the gifts. As if they were some kind of physical proof of love." 

"That's the whole point of gifts, Vanya. To show that you care." 

She shook her head. "There are other ways of showing it. You know, the love languages." 

"The _what?"_

"Love languages," she repeated. "There are different types of communication-"

"Is this more of your therapy BS?" 

"It's not BS." Vanya chuckled. "Would you just… would you bear with me for a sec?" 

He grunted. 

"Okay so some people show love through gifts. Some people show it with touch. Hugs and stuff. Like Klaus." 

"Is that an excuse for having a shitty gift? Cause Klaus also-"

"Just listen. There are five types, okay? Gifts, touch, kind words-"

"I think a gift is better than a compliment." 

"It's more than compliments, Diego." 

He was being a dick on purpose at this point, but Vanya didn't sound mad. He glanced at her and noted that she was smiling out the window. 

"Telling someone you love them," she said. "It's kind words, but it's more than that. It's affection." 

The L word. That one was awkward. He'd say it back whenever a girl dropped that bomb on him, but it wasn't something he went out of his way with. 

"Another one is quality time," Vanya continued. "I think that's my love language. And Klaus too." 

"I thought you said he was touch?" 

"They can overlap," Vanya said. "I also really like kind words. Some people show affection with all five." 

Gifts, touch, kind words, quality time. That was four. 

"What's the last one?" 

"Acts of service," Vanya said. "That's Five in a nutshell." 

"Acts of _service_?" Diego said. "What, like doing someone a favor?" 

"For some people it's favors. But for Five it's more like… hmm. I think he likes to solve problems." 

Problems. Like fixing Mom. Keeping Klaus sober. 

"The other languages don't come naturally to him," Vanya continued. "He tries, but you kind of have to let him know first. Like, if you tell him you want to hang out more he'll make time for you." 

Diego scowled. "He'll make time for _you_ , you mean. Or Klaus, I guess. But just to get him to go to NA." 

"You say that like it's a bad thing." 

"It just feels cold." He tried to mimic Five's snooty tone. "I made a bargain with Klaus. An outing every week for participation with NA."

"I don't think it's cold," Vanya said. "I think it's sweet." 

" _You_ would," Diego said. "Five could show up covered in blood and kick around a decapitated head like it was a football and you'd just be like 'Aaaw. Five is smiling.'"

Vanya laughed. "Only if the head was from someone who deserved it." 

It was hard to be a dick to someone who wouldn't get angry.

"I still think therapy is stupid," he mumbled. "But that's interesting. About the languages." 

"It's just something to think about," she said. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He spotted her in the parking lot. She was just walking by. Like a mirage. 

He jumped out of the car and made a beeline for her. He had to get close. Had to see who it was. 

He figured it was a woman who looked _like_ Patch. It couldn't be Patch herself. She was already dead. He'd found her fucking body and she-

"Hargreeves." Patch didn't look happy to see him. "Here for your brother?" 

It was the same exasperation he'd gotten used to from her. She rolled her eyes. "Well? Nothing to say for yourself?" 

"M-my… y-you…" He couldn't get the words out. 

"Hey, I'm sure it's not as bad as Beaman made it out to be." 

He blinked at her. The exasperation was gone. Replaced with sympathetic concern. 

Just like that time he'd told her Mom had died. 

_Death just doesn't stick_ , he thought.

"Diego? Shouldn't we go in?" Vanya gave Patch a polite smile. "Uh, hello. I'm Vanya." 

"Nice to meet you." 

"My sister," Diego said. "She's… my sister." 

Her lips twitched. _I know what you're up to, Hargreeves_. They'd had an easier banter between them, in the early days. Sometimes it still leaked through.

"Patch, can I just… can we meet up later? Catch up a bit?"

She sighed. "Diego…" 

"Please." He wouldn't let this second chance go to waste. "Just grab a coffee with me, yeah?" 

She crossed her arms together. "This about a case?" 

He shook his head. "Nope. I just want to catch up. Just me and you. No police business." 

She blinked. "Okay, sure. That sounds… nice." 

He gave her a smile. "Great! Just text me when. Whenever works for you." 

"Mhm." Patch pursed her lips and tilted her head. "I'm free now, but there's a minor inside that you've gotta deal with. Keep your priorities straight, you hear me?" 

He gulped. "Yeah. I hear you." 

She nodded. "Well okay. Maybe tomorrow." 

He watched her walk away, rooted to the spot. 

"Uh, who was that?" Vanya said. 

"That. Was a dead woman." He laughed. "She was dead!"

"You mean-"

"Five saved her." Impulsively, he gave Vanya a hug. "That's why he time traveled, he went and saved her!" 

Vanya tentatively returned his hug. "Oh." 

"Yeah, _oh_." 

"Are we still having an intervention?" 

"I have no idea," Diego said. "But I'm gonna get in there and give Five some kind words, cause _holy shit._ " 

"You'd better tell him you love him," Vanya teased. "And buy him a nice big gift." 

"You know what? I think I will." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on Five is a problem solver... 
> 
> We will NOT be seeing Allison. 
> 
> Instead we interrupt our regularly scheduled sibling bonding to see the Hargreeves faced with a rather unexpected dinner guest. 
> 
> Can you guess who it'll be? 😁


End file.
